Beat The Fear of Asking For What You Want
Many people are too shy to ask for what they really want, even in simple situations like asking for directions in an Airport, or asking a boss for an extension on a project deadline. The resulting psychological misery that can come from a fear of asking for what you want can be quite significant. Ask any self-help guru and they will tell you that asking for what you want is a key skill because of the effect of eliciting help and support from others. To ask for what you want, you have to get used to the idea that much of the time, people will say no. It’s the sting of that, “no” that stops many people in their tracks. For people who are excessively shy (or even just a little shy) it can be especially difficult to tolerate the frequent “no” when you ask for what you want.
What’s the solution? The best solution is to develop a thicker skin. I will tell you exactly how to do that, but first I need to mess with your mind for a minute so that you will actually accept the methods that I’m going to offer you. You see, most people who are reading this article are very unlikely to ever overcome this problem because of one specific reason. They simply choose to let the fear of pain dominate their thoughts instead of allowing their motivation and action to be driven by powerful positive anticipation of things that they do want.
Am I telling you that people are lazy and problems like this are simply all their fault? No! What I am saying is that there are very few people who have discovered that human motivation only works for us when we find ways to ignite our motivation in the pursuit of things we do want. If we do not purposefully engineer our thoughts around the things that we do want, the things that we don’t want quickly take over because of natural instincts of our mind to focus on problems. When we focus on things we want, our goals become very powerful as they start a cycle of positive anticipation. When we focus on making changes in our life based on positive anticipation of things we really want, we ignite positive emotions and accompanying flow of Dopamine. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter in our brain that is active in the pleasure and reward centers. It gives us the feeling-good emotion that comes from everything from eating chocolate to getting a raise at work. Learn to master the reward centers in your brain, and you will have exceeded the vast majority of human beings in the degree of self-control you are capable of.
Most people are driven primarily by attempts at escaping from what they don’t want in life. This is what happens when you start each day without a solid plan in your mind for living toward specific goals and realistic dreams for the future. You can do better than most people. Read on.
Are you wondering what any of this has to do with developing a thicker skin so that you can ask for what you want? I’ll get to that, so please hang in there for just another minute. You’re going to feel really good when you learn to make this simple shift in your mindset that I’m going to explain before you reach the end of this article. (Did you catch my attempt to cause your brain to be motivated to finish reading this article by offering your mind a sense of positive anticipation?)
The best way to develop a thicker skin is to practice with asking for things. I want you to practice all day every day in as many situations as possible. Ask for directions even when you don’t need them. Ask your partner for things that they are unlikely to grant you (warn them first that you will be asking for a lot of things and tell them it’s perfectly fine to say no). Ask for an extra minute to think before you place your order at a drive-through. Ask your co-worker to do you a favor.
Your best bet for developing a thicker skin is going to be rooted in a combination of changes in the way you think and the way you behave. However, psychologists have found that until you change the way you behave, it is very difficult to change how you think. As a result, the absolute best way to develop a thicker skin is to practice asking for things in many different situations until you develop the calluses that make it easier. So, I’m asking you to practice asking questions all day every day. Start by asking questions with people that you know well. You’ll find it easier to start developing a thicker skin with them. For example, you could invite yourself over to a friend’s house instead of inviting them to your home. You could ask a friend if they have something for you to drink when visiting their home. You could ask your spouse to do you a favor. Each time, after you ask your question or make your request, mentally pat yourself on the back to reinforce your behavior and the new thinking that says it’s okay to do what you just did.
In order to build your motivation more, start with a vivid mental hologram that helps you to imagine what it would be like to be a more assertive person. Think about how it would feel to be able to hold your head high while you demand proper respect from other people, without flinching or feeling anxious afterwards. In order for this process to work, you need to become very certain that the vision you have of the future version of yourself is a real possibility. Don’t simply wonder about what it would be like. Instead, think of your visualization as something that is 100% linked to the specific action of practicing asking for what you want until it feels natural.
Here are a couple more tips before I send you on your way to get to work on this. Right before you ask for something you want, imagine the mindset of someone who is very assertive. Think about how they think of things in an entitled sort of way. Think about how those people would respond to someone who challenged them for asking for what they wanted. Think about how loud their voice would be. Think about how you still like them and you don’t resent them for being assertive. Another tip is to think about times when someone has asked you for a favor, or directions, or something else. Did you hate their guts? No! Social Psychology research has found that we actually like others more after we grant them a favor. So take action on this information. Create a vision for how you want to feel and then keep a log so that you don’t forget to work on it every day for at least twenty-one days. See yourself laughing with joy at your accomplishment at the end of the twenty-one days. Now go for it.
Dr. Todd Snyder is a clinical psychologist who specializes in the treatment of Social Anxiety Disorder. He is the creator of the Social Anxiety Secrets System that provides a complete self-help and personal motivation system for overcoming symptoms of social anxiety. A free mini-course can be found at his website, www.socialanxietysecrets.com
